I promised myself that I wouldn’t ever make a Tumblr again, but here I am.. pouring myself out onto this site again.
I have been constantly thinking about suicide for the past couple months.. and I really, really feel like I am close to going through with it. I’ll lay in my bed for hours just dwelling on how unattractive I am, cringe-worthy things I have said in done in the past, and possibilities and opportunities that will never be there for me. I feel lost. I feel more alone than ever and I have absolutely no support system. Those stupid hotline chats don’t work and we all know the people there are only there for a paycheck or some self-gratifying reward. People in general are so desensitized at the fact that bullying is not the only influence towards suicide. There are many, many factors involved and can be compounded with bullying to make it even more deadly.
Unfortunately.. I am not a typical bullying case. I’m just a no-name nobody living in San Francisco with a less-than-spectacular job doing more-than-menial tasks. I’m a faceless unknown in a sea of people, a pale concubine that inhabits this dreary and desolate city. I spend my days chasing my shadow in circles that obviously lead to nothing but my own past revisited. I’m stuck. No, I was stuck 3 years ago with no job and living with my parents in Virginia.
I’m depressed. I’m miserable, annoyed, anxious, sleep-deprived, livid, and more. I am every negative emotion known to man bottled up in a lifeless vessel with a knack for self-destruction. I do not want to be here anymore and every single goddamn morning I curse myself for waking up. I do not want to be here.. be this depressed sack of meat and bones.
Everyone sees a city as a group of people- a number. What difference would it make if there was one less number?